aurora

Turns out that there is only one of us going. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, it is just one of us going.

He never doubted that he would go and so it was only natural that he enlisted me to be his witness. I was never a threat to him, so we both thought, so we both agreed.

There were only a limited number of places and hundreds of qualified, tough and focused applicants. I hoped to make the cut whereas he planned to. I admired his ruthlessness from a safe distance as I schemed ways to avoid going up against him.

Gradually the numbers thinned, the physical toll was intense but the mental cost was even more so. Those of us who were left had to reach out to each other or sink. We had to share; it was impossible to keep our nerve otherwise. 

We became friends before we even realised it. The small asides, tales told and bad jokes spun. The encouraging eye contact made during moments of doubt mercilessly bought us together. By the time we found out that we were both going through for further evaluation we were firm comrades. We had to pair up, work as a team for the next round of assessments and the inevitable happened. We became lovers. I never saw that as a problem. I thought that we would go together, I had not realised that he was prepared to go alone, had always been prepared to go alone.

We had always known the mission date but the ship had not been named. What they named her completely unnerved me. He teased me about it without pity. I thought that surely the gods were laughing at me for being so presumptuous. Him joking about it hurt. I discovered that I was more superstitious than I had believed myself to be. 

Shortly after that the science team and crew were announced. Neither of us was listed. Each of us saw it differently. He was confident that he would be named amongst the officers. I was devastated, thinking that I would not be going at all. He subtlety began consoling me, preparing me for disappointment. But he was not careful enough, he assumed too much too soon. I saw that.

I was called in for yet another interview, the polite term we used for such occasions.  Steely eyed I presented myself for evaluation, prepared for a cruel outcome. It was the horrendously draining experience I expected, and more, but not in the way I had anticipated. I predicted that this time I would be set up to fail and that was exactly what it was. Calmly it was put to me that I had a choice to make, one that I had not seen coming. I was horrified then but now I recognise the wisdom in it. 

We could not go together, they wanted only me. Perhaps another mission, as a team, but not this one. But I wanted this; I had yearned for it since I can first remember coveting anything, some would say that it is in my blood and I never really had a choice. I didn’t hesitated. I leapt. My leap was noticed.

That was two long years ago. He is still part of the program, Flight Director for this mission in fact. He will watch over us and bring us home when we are done. Bring me home. We are still a team, an extraordinarily great team, they worked us both out long before we did but we got it eventually. 

Me, well that leap of mine has taken me a long way. I am aboard the ship that carries my name, have been for the past two weeks. The fact that she carries my name gives me a sense of destiny now rather than the disquiet it once did. It feels right, is right. I’ve learnt to trust the gods rather than fear them.

We are currently in geo orbit completing the update of our navigational database, the majority of the crew are in hyper sleep and handover to the main computer will shortly be finalised. The bridge is still a busy place though and I must stop my reveries, time to move on. I wonder if he is as bemused as I am.

We are due to depart for Proxima Centauri, the nearest sun outside our solar system, within a few hours. Fittingly it will be at sunrise, an ironic detail not lost on me, or him.

A prophetic display of Earth’s northern and southern lights keeps us company while we make the final preparations to leave orbit. It is as if the lights wish us well for our journey, gifting their namesakes a spectacular farewell. 

End Log, SS Aurora, GEO, 03:01hrs 3110/2228 (UT)

Crew and officers totalling 110, science team of 17

Commander Aurora Armstrong